I Hate Wasted Potential That Shit Crushes Your Spirit

 I bet you’d cry with the crowd if you were to lose me. I bet you would cry, and you would feel genuine loss if I died. But I bet you’d be relieved as well. Wasted potential is excusable when it is stolen. After all, is it not better to claim I shot for the blue before being trapped in the green. I believe you believe it is better to disappear than to rot. I bet if I stayed alive and lived the way I seem condemned to, you would grow to hate me, not your son, but me myself, and yes there is a difference. Because you are not a monster. No good father could ever hate their son for being true to themselves (unless their truth is evil), you have told me that time and time again. No, you only want the best for me, the issue is the best for me is not me. Do you understand? No, I don't think you will for I have never been clear enough. So let me simplify. I do not believe you hate me, I simply believe you are so disappointed in what I have become that your treatment of me is as IF you hated me. And I apologize for not reading well enough between your words. Perhaps I need glasses? Or perhaps I truly am as paranoid as you say, and your eyes have never scanned my body with disgust as I so often perceive. Perhaps it would be better if I left? You have always said we live in a questionable neighborhood, and I never did become that doctor you hoped would pull us out. Maybe I should walk outside at night, into known gang territory, and let them do all you warn me they will. A bullet to the brain would be mercy on us both. Then I’d go out with a bang, I’d be the victim of tragedy, more importantly, YOU would be the victim of tragedy. The grieving father who lost his genius son too soon. I bet the whole community would come to the funeral. To witness my final move to a home blanketed green. They’d hug you, and tell you all the made-up reasons I was great. You of course would know that they are just saying it to make you feel better. Because the only good thing I could ever do for you now is leave.